5 Tips for Connecting with Your Teenager

Being a teenager is tough. So is raising one. Your baby goes from wanting to spend every waking minute with you to spending hours in their room alone. It’s a big adjustment for all involved! In this blog post, I walk you through how to improve your relationship with your teenager. You will learn about adolescent brain development and and psychologist-approved communication tips.

The Teenage Brain

So much emphasis is placed on the toddler and preschool years when considering brain development in youth, but adolescence is equally as important. The teen years are a sensitive period for mature social-emotional development, and this starts at home. When a teenager has good social-emotional skills they are better equipped to thrive both at home and school and in “the real world”. They have better relationships – including with you!

What is Social Emotional Development?

Social development refers to a child or teen’s ability to connect and sustain meaningful relationships with peers and adults. It is the foundation for their ability to be part of a team, have satisfying adult friendships and romantic relationships, and be good parents themselves one day.

Emotional development refers to a child or teen’s ability to identify, understand, express, and tolerate their own emotions, as well as to recognize and respond to emotions in others. This forms the foundation for their ability to cope with stressors, overcome mistakes, experience joy, self-soothe in times of distress, think clearly when emotional, and comfort loved ones in pain.

What could be more important?

The Prefrontal Cortex – Why It Matters to Your Relationship with Your Teen

As I said earlier, the teen brain continues to grow rapidly. Teens may look like adults in many ways, but their brain isn’t there yet. Most importantly, their prefrontal cortex – the part of the brain responsible for emotion regulation, planning, and follow-through is nowhere near finished growing. Makes more sense why your teen still has a hard time getting to school on time, keeping their room clean, and cutting their little siblings some slack, huh?

So why does this matter when it comes to your relationship with your adolescent. It matters because parents who understand the biology behind adolescent’s behaviors can respond in a more helpful way. For example, when we assume our adolescent is being defiant, then we react with anger. When we remember that their prefrontal cortex is still developing, then we give them extra support to be successful. This decreases conflict and makes a world of difference for your relationship.

5 Ways to Foster Social-Emotional Development and Connect With Your Teen

Talk to them. Teens aren’t necessarily known for opening up, but that doesn’t mean you should stop trying. My best tip for talking to teens is to nudge, but don’t push. You can do this by asking open-ended questions. For example, it is more productive to say to your teen, “What do you think about your new soccer coach?” then to say “Do you like your new soccer coach?” The former starts conversations, but the latter is likely to end with a yes or no answer, you feeling like your are playing 20 questions, and your teen feeling like they are on the receiving end of an interrogation.

Listen. But, its not just about talking. It’s about listening too. This means withholding well-intentioned advice until you have thoroughly listened to their problems and they are open to hearing what you have say. Easier said then done, I know. Your adolescent is finding their independence. They want you to treat them like the young adult they are becoming. When we talk to adults, we don’t launch into advice. We do things like reflect and validate their feelings (“Oh, wow! I can’t believe he said that. You must have felt so betrayed.”), praise their actions, (“That must have taken a lot of hard work to finish. You should be proud of yourself.”), and ASK before launching into advice (“You know my friend had a similar situation last year, can I tell you about how she handled it?)

Try these communication skills, starting with really listening, the next time your adolescent opens up to you, and you might be amazed. Even if you don’t see results from one conversation, keep at it. It works over time.

Show them. If we want a good relationship with our kids, we have to show them what it looks like through our actions. This could be modeling good relationships with your own friends, partner, or family. It also means treating your teen the way you want to be treated.

Similarly, if we want our child to have good social and emotional skills, we have to show them what that looks like. This means using the conversation tools listed above, staying calm when triggered by their behavior, and holding boundaries about how we expect to be treated. For example, it is okay for adolescents to be upset when you don’t allow them to go to a party on a school night. It is not okay for them to call you names in response.

Eat together (and cook together). One of the most solid predictors of positive outcomes for children and teens is eating a family meal together. In fact the more you eat together as a family the less likely your kids are to smoke, drink, or use illicit drugs. Teens who have regular family meals have better mental health, with less anxiety and less depression. Pretty convincing evidence for family meals, right?

With busy schedules, this probably won’t happen every night, but make it a priority when you can. It doesn’t have to be dinner either. You can have breakfast together or a special weekend lunch together. Just do it as often as possible.

Additionally, you can take this one step further by cooking together. Make your adolescent responsible for a part of the meal and resist the urge to micromanage. Not only does this give them the independence they crave, but it shows them that you trust them and that they are a valuable contributor to the household.

Watch for signs that your struggling. Changes in the brain, hormones, and environmental stressors can increase risk for psychological concerns, like anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, OCD and others in adolescents. It is normal to see some moodiness and change in interests, but if you notice signs of depression or anxiety in your teen, such as withdrawing from peers, lack of interest in things they used to love, self-harm or suicidal thinking, chronic worrying, or panic attacks, seek help from a psychologist or therapist specializing in adolescent therapy as soon as possible. With the use of technology, therapy is easier to access and more convenient than ever before.

Want to learn more about online therapy for teenagers? Check out this blog post I wrote.

You are doing better than you think.

Lastly, know that parenting teenagers is hard. The fact that you are reading this means you are a good parent who cares about your child. Be consistent and hang in there.

And trust your intuition. If you are worried, or if things are getting better, reach out to a mental health professional for help. It is always better to be safe than sorry, and you shouldn’t have to go it alone when raising teens. Find your village and lean on them.

As always, feel free to reach out to me here or by phone/email to learn more.

-Dr. Alli